How did they ever have an empire?

I was in London on Monday and can't help but wonder how. I have been perplexed by this for years, but on Monday it never seemed more unlikely.

1. They are boring.
Excruciatingly so. They are not spontaneous, witty, or articulate. Their stories meander pointlessly and have no point or focus of interest. Did they bore the civilised world into submission?

2. They are serial conformists.
I walked around the side of the barriers at the Brixton Academy. The barriers ended after 10 yards and had to stop myself from jumping into the queue. In Ireland the queue starts where the barriers ends, but these people formed the most orderly queue up the side of the building and into the venue. Robotic and zombie like they poured through the doors.

3. They are far too polite.
Getting from the bar at the back of the hall to the spot where my friend was waiting for me to return with beers was Moses like. I uttered the words 'Scuse me' and the entire hall parted. In Dublin it's a jostle. Not a walk. I can imagine them colonising India. ' Excuse me chaps can we take over the royal palace please'

and the final nail in the coffin...

4. Their Beer is CRAP!!!
It's vile fizzy shite. Even their 'imported' beers are like lemonade. And it gives you the hangover from hell. It cuts the stomach out of you with ruthless abandon. Your head is so full of chemicals the next morning you feel like your entire body is radioactive. It's wicked. Pure wicked. How could any country put up with so much awful beer. How could one race accept this level of toxicity in their beer? And the pubs...well awful doesnt begin to describe them..

Oh and their superiority complex, although completely misplaced, has to be witnessed to believe. As another long time friend of mine once remarked. They're just jealous of everybody else....